New Book, 'Groganzola', Blames Masturbation for Fear, Misogyny, Authoritarianism, and Greed

SAN FRANCISCO - Nov. 5, 2016 - PRLog -- Psychologists point out that authoritarians have a high 'Uncertainty Avoidance Index', or UAI. They need certainty.

But if "nothing is certain", why would so many people need it so much? Is it 'human nature', 'lizard brains', or 'groganzola'?

In "Groganzola! Princess Noodle Head and the Sex Zombies from Earth", Ard Falten wraps a zany adventure around the idea that humanity is doomed because we're sending energy that's supposed to stimulate reproduction to the wrong side of the brain, the side where generals, accountants, and scientists do most of their work.

The right hand is connected to the side of the brain for math and logic and the left hand is connected to the side of the brain for emotion, creativity, and orgasm. Masturbating with the right hand burns in neural associations that divert impatient satisfaction-demanding 'energy' away from the pleasure centers and into parts of the brain that are supposed to be patient and objective.

The taboo subject is treated with slapstick comedy no more explicit than a Judd Apatow movie or an episode of Real Time with Bill Maher. Set in the near future, the dreaded groganzola is blamed for everything from smaller orgasms to galactic-scale destruction.

GREED: Where numbers are processed, that energy wants more, bigger, faster. Is that greed?

FEAR AND AUTHORITARIANISM: Where logic is done, that horny energy wants quick easy answers to get the thinking over with. It wants conclusion and certainty. Since "nothing is certain", the need for certainty produces stress and fear. Fear increases until certainty is more important than truth and it becomes easy, even pleasurable, to accept lies. The 'best' authoritarian leaders project royal certitude - they are never wrong, promise order, and paint the world in simple black and white.

"Right handed masturbation makes men greedy, frightened, and foolish. Most important, it makes them easy to control," explains a villain as he lays out the ancient secret of power with a model of a human brain and a horny stallion.

MISOGYNY: Anatomical differences make 'groganzola' worse for men, turning women into sources of uncertainty to be objectified and controlled. In the left side of the brain, beauty and pleasure are measured with numbers.

The villain warns of dire consequences if the heroine and the alien are able to stop groganzola on Earth. "Nature's uncertainty will stimulate imagination instead of fear. Dormant brain functions will awaken. Earth's traditional power structures will collapse. And, women will be equal with men."

Read more at nogroganzola.com.