Don't Let The "Evil Eye" Wreck Your Marriage

July 9, 2010 - PRLog -- MALIBU, CALIF. -- Nothing kills love faster than criticism, which, simply put, is a complaint that comes in the form of harsh words or the dreaded "evil eye." Instead of seeking resolution, a partner seeks to blame," says Dr. Noelle Nelson, relationship expert and author of Your Man is Wonderful (Free Press, 2009).

   "You know the look--that critical look you cast on your sweetheart, that has little sweet in it and even less heart," says Nelson. "It's the look that says, 'How can you just sit there on the couch when I’m running myself ragged in three different directions at once?' or 'You’re a grown man, why do I have to tell you 10 times to take out the trash before you grudgingly do it?'"

   At first, says Nelson, you just think these thoughts, but gradually, they seep out, and you speak them.. You complain, over and over again, figuring that once alerted to his uncooperative/undesirable behavior, he will change his ways.

   That's not the case, explains Nelson. "Instead, he retreats increasingly to the couch, to the Internet or to work. He talks less and less to you. Grunts replace conversation. To top it off, nothing changes to your liking. Women hope that with persistent nagging, their men will finally get it and change their ways so they never have to nag again. That never works. If you want your man to change his ways, you’ll have to change yours first. As unfair as it may seem, the evil eye must go."

   Nelson says that criticism and blaming do not motivate others to action. "You may have a legitimate complaint and you want his help to find a resolution, but instead you blame him, making him wrong. It’s hard to get people to cooperate with you when you start by making them wrong, The more you blame your mate, the more defensive he will get. That’s just human instinct. Attack us, we fight or flee. You don’t increase closeness and tenderness by attacking your mate. You literally drive him away."

   What’s the solution? Nelson says to state your complaint and ask for help: “Honey, I’ve got way too much to do here. Would you please help me with the kids?” “I’ve been looking at our budget, and I think I’ve found some ways to help us save money so we can afford a vacation. Could you please take a look at this with me?” “Trash pick-up is tomorrow. Could you please take the trash out tonight?”

   "Finally, thank your mate profusely," says Nelson. "It seems he should just do chores and help you without praise, but somehow we all perform better when we get strokes for doing so. Over time, you may find that he expresses more gratitude for all that you do, too."

   For more relationship tips, go to Nelson's blog, http://anotefromdrnoelle.blogspot.com  or follow her on Twitter, http://twitter.com/drnoellenelson.