Picking Your Bridesmaids: It's About Love

April 16, 2012 - PRLog -- There’s been a ton of research on infatuation vs. love as it relates to picking a husband, but what about as it relates to picking your bridesmaids. It is true that if you pick the wrong bridesmaid the ramifications are not quite as bad as picking the wrong husband. But there are photos to consider. Ten, twenty, thirty years from now you want to look at your wedding album and still count the women who walked  down the aisle with you as your friends. So here’s my advice about husbands and bridesmaids – go with  love, not infatuation!.

Seriously.  I’ve found that friendships are very similar to dating – there’s infatuation and there’s falling in love. I am not talking about a love that’s romantic in nature, but having a love affair with your friends most certainly exists.

Stage one: Kissing Frogs

Any woman who has been in a situation where she has had to make new friends such as a job, college or moving to a new town knows that chemistry is involved in who you pick to be friends with. There might be two women who both seem lovely, but for some inexplicable reason you are "attracted" to one more than the other. Have you ever found yourself telling a woman you just met all your secrets? Things you have not told anyone else?

Sara was transferred to a new job. She knew that office politics were tough and that the only way to survive was to meet a friend and stick together. She got to work the first day and was immediately asked to lunch by a woman who works on her floor. She was thrilled. Ann seemed nice and friendly. Sara thought that finding her ally was a lay up. By the time the week was over Sara was so disappointed. It turned out that the reason Ann was so friendly was because she had been dumped by all the other women in the office. She talked behind everyone's back and she liked to flirt with everyone!

Sara was in a delicate situation because she wanted to "date" other women, but she felt awkward because she didn't want to hurt Ann's feelings. She went to lunch with a few other women, but she it wasn't easy with any of them. She felt that the conversation was forced. Finally, one day a woman named Isabelle from another floor came to drop something off and they met. Sparks flew. They talked in shorthand from the minute they met and laughed all the time.

Stage two: Infatuation

According to researchers, when we first meet someone that we have chemistry with (the spark), we go through a period of infatuation. This is due to a naturally occurring amphetamine called Phenylethyamine. This amphetamine is specific to meeting a new partner and levels begin to drop after a few months. After that our feelings of being excited and stimulated are due to the release of dopamine. Dopamine may also be release when you receive exciting news. It has a similar effect to cocaine in the sense that it gives the person a jittery kind of high.

Sara and Isabelle have girls nights outs, call each other everyday and go on vacation together. Sara can't even be bothered to call her best friend Mary. None of Sara's old friends are as fun as her new friend, Isabelle. After a few months of repeated calls, Sara agrees to have dinner with her friends, but she insists on bringing Isabelle because she knows that it is only way she will have fun.

But here’s the problem. After an hour at dinner, Isabelle wanted to leave. And  Sara's friends are insulted that Sara is choosing to leave  with Isabelle instead of hanging out with them. Still, Sara wants to be with Isabelle.. Just like being romantically infatuated, Sara may not be thinking clearly and may be at the mercy of all those natural amphetamines that are pooling at the emotional center of the brain! So it’s not a shocker that when Sara's boyfriend Pete proposes,   Sara calls Isabelle right after calling her parents.  Sara's next thought is, who am I going to ask to be my bridesmaids?

Stage Three: Love:

As our relationships move past the infatuation stage, we are usually able to see the person more clearly. The biochemical haze (dopamine etc) that we had been living in lifts a little. It is replaced by the naturally occurring hormone “ oxytocin”. Oxytocin in romantic relationships prompts caring feelings toward your partner and is released during sex. But it has also been found to promote friendships in women.

As time passes and wedding time draws nearer, Sara is thinking more clearly and  can evaluate her relationship with Isabelle. Is Isabelle really a good of a friend as Sara believes her to be? After careful thought and reflection, Sara decides to get Isabelle together with her old friends one more time. She invites her fiancee's sister to dinner as well.

After they all share how excited they are, Sara proposes that each woman at the table walk down the aisle with her as bridesmaids. Sara gave her new sister-in-law a ring that says "we are family now”,   gave her friend Stacy from college a ring that says "be my bridesmaid" and last but not least she gave her childhood friend Mary a ring that said "stand by me.". They all said "yes."

Sara looked at Isabelle a lot during the dinner. Would she be possessive, jealous or aloof? Would she want to leave early again? Would she demand that Sara come with her? Actually, she didn’t! Sara gave Isabelle a ring that says "let's dance down the aisle" and Isabelle was genuinely thrilled. Sara realized that Isabelle was as great a friend as she thought.

But Sara also realized something else.  Isabelle was fun, exciting and nice, but she wasn't her only friend that had those qualities. Now that her infatuation was over , Sara could move into the attachment or love phase with Isabelle and be in the friendship for the long haul. It felt great to be attached to all her bridesmaids. And when Sara was ready to walk down the aisle, and the bridesmaids handed her a ring that said "something blue". –she didn’t feel “blue” at all. She felt surrounded by love and knew that it was the kind of love that would probably last.

The Final Stage: Making It Last

There’s been a ton of research on making love last, too. Most of it as it relates to romantic love, to a husband and wife. But what about your bond with your  bridesmaids? The same findings apply, I think. So here’s my advice about making girlfriend-love last. Remember all the reasons why you were attracted to her and all that you have shared. There’s no do-over – those memories are precious.  Don’t treat her with less patience or respect than you would a more casual friend .And when you say “love you” to her, make sure to tell her why.

ShameOnJane
Kimberly Pauley
P: (203) 856-7372
www.shameonjane.com
Kim@shameonjane.co=

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