ISNworks member Daniel Ellenberg shares Expect Misunderstandings

March 15, 2011 - PRLog -- As human beings, we are always making up stories about the meaning of other people’s behavior.  By assuming that we understand why other people act as they do, we make conclusions that are always subjective and often inaccurate.  We use “fill in the blank” understanding (more accurately it is mis-understanding) that comes from what I call our “assumption warehouse.”  Our brains do this automatically without conscious awareness.  In the blink of an eye, our brains attribute meaning to other people’s actions and words.  This is why two people can observe someone’s behavior and arrive at entirely different conclusions: one decides that “he is so arrogant,” while the other feels “he’s really confident.”  In all likelihood, the person is neither fully arrogant nor confident; the assumptions are too constrictive and can lead to misunderstandings.
Within the various settings I work as a psychologist, organizational consultant, and leadership coach, I find that people consistently misperceive three vital points: the degree to which they are being understood, how well they understand others, and even how well they understand themselves and their own motivations.
An audience member approached me an hour after my “How to Handle Misunderstandings” presentation at the Women’s Business Conference in Oakland, California.  She was animated as she shared her experience: “I spoke with my contract employer, who was sitting next to me, about how I have been ‘filling in the blank’ regarding why she often takes a week to respond to my requests.  I assumed that she was angry about my requests, questioning my work, and even thought she was looking for someone to replace me.  Your talk inspired me to finally tell her my concerns.  She was truly stunned.  She explained that she actually felt bad about not having enough work to give me and that’s why she procrastinated getting back to me.  We both feel much better after the conversation.”  Neither woman had realized that her conclusion about the other was far from accurate.
While many misunderstandings and misperceptions are harmless, others can be the first link in a chain that harms relationships and hurts productivity.  These almost always begin when one person attributes negative intention to someone else’s behavior. Then the other person reacts by contributing their own negativity, all of which fuels a downward spiral of animosity and acrimony.
Attributing negative intention is precisely what instigated a 10-year feud between the chief engineer and a project manager at Amdahl Computer some years ago. Although they were initially friends, they had a misunderstanding early in their work together. Unskilled in the art and science of communication, then poisoned by negativity leaked from their assumption warehouses, they eventually stopped speaking altogether. Their silence lasted for years. “Communication” only occurred through third parties.
When this interpersonal issue began to affect Amdahl’s profitability—the company was losing millions of dollars by falling behind schedule on a large computer project—company executives sent the responsible team to an organizational workshop. During one team building exercise in which these two “adversaries” were paired, they realized that they had made erroneous assumptions about the other. By the end of the exercise, they both expressed the fear and pain they experienced in their mutual alienation, and actually found common ground to work together on their computer project.  Furthermore and most remarkably, after the workshop they became friends again and their new-found alliance spawned an amazing effort that led to outperforming IBM in this massive mainframe competition. IBM was so shocked that they created a 120-person team to discover how Amdahl accomplished the win.
Whether in a personal or business environment, the consequences to health, happiness, and even the bottom line should not be underestimated when people misperceive others’ behavior.   There are specific attitudes and practices that reduce misunderstandings and make communication more precise while helping people understand themselves and others.  The most important are what I call the “ARCH” principles of communication.
•   Awareness helps us pay greater attention to our inner reactions, feelings, beliefs and biases.  This is an inward look.
•   Relatedness guides us to focus on other people, rather than simply being self-involved.  This is an outward look.
•   Curiosity encourages us to explore the many ambiguous areas within the communication process and motivates us to become more skilled.
•   Humility keeps us from becoming arrogant and believing that we know for certain what makes other people tick.

As linguist and CIIS President Joseph Subbiondo suggests when it comes to communication: “Expect to be misunderstood.”   In my next article, I will cover some specific practices to handle the inevitable misunderstandings.





http://www.relationshipsthatwork.com
email- daniel@relationshipsthatwork.com

# # #

ISNworks ( www.isnworks.com) is a full service marketing company that markets speakers, coaches, trainers, consultants and authors. Our focus is to market them to increase their business and their fees.